Down and out

Pre NYC weight: 266.8 lbs (go me!)
post NYC weight:  276.5 lbs (booo)
weight today:  278.6 lbs

It has been ages since I wrote last - since before New York in fact.  To update a bit... I DID it my 30 lb weight loss goal the morning we left for NYC and I felt such a huge surge of accomplishment.  That had me down to 266.8lbs. 

While on vacation, I tried to watch my points but I did NOT drink my water.  I found with the walking we were doing, it was difficult to find clean restrooms all the time so I purposely cut the water out.  I tell ya, it bit me in the butt once we got home.  The drinking at night didn't help either, but I'd hoped all the walking would balance things out. 

Upon return, I weighed in at 276.5 and I've been hovering there ever since.  I've spent most of the summer watching my foods during the week and losing weight (had made it back down to 268.4lbs) and then going out with friends on weekends and gaining it back. 

This week was a whopper.  I've been feeling a bit down and hugely disappointed with myself.  I've been eating all the foods I know I shouldn't and I haven't been exercising in the ways I know I should.  Had a few drinks with the girls on the weekend, and Monday morning hit me hard with a 278.6 lbs on the scale.

I've been beating myself up for the last 2 days and then I remembered this blog.  Even though I know it isn't being read much, I also know it has helped me tremendously.  I find writing here gives me some focus and accountability and it also shows me how far I've come this year.  I know the scales don't necessarily show the weight loss I wanted, but I also know I'm learning and that's the most important thing right now.

So as I write this, I am embarking on my "phase 2" for 2010.  I am now commited to making myself a priority again and to getting healthy.  I have set some new goals and I am going to work hard to reach them.  They're scary considering the poor job I did of this summer's weight loss plans, but I keep hearing I should do that which scares me.

Here goes:

In February, my family is planning a trip to Mexico or the Dominican with friends. 

That gives me about 21 weeks to lose some weight, gain some confidence and get healthier so I can do the fun things we want to do. 

Step 1 is to get under 250 lbs.  Most excursions have under 250 lbs limits

Step 2 is to be in size 16-18.  I'm in an average size 22-24 now. 

Step 3 is to be able to run at least a km.  Pre NYC I was running 30 second intervals. 

Step 4 is to take a scuba course.  I want to scuba badly, but was always too shy

So there's my scary list of goals for the coming months.  I hope that in writing this blog, I'll feel encouraged enough to move forward with my weight loss and start to feel better about myself! 

its been a while....

Last blog posting: 272.4 lbs

This week: 267.8 lbs
Total loss: 4.6 lbs

It's been a while since I last posted.  I've been battling the yo-yo effect on the scale this past while and have found myself overly frustrated and stressed about the situation. 

I have placed so much pressure on myself to get to my goal for NYC.  I find the more I pressure myself, the worse I seem to do.  When the scale jumps up 2 lbs, I get frustrated and start to wonder why I even bother.  I get sloppy in counting points.  I rebel by drinking less water and snacking more.  I sabotage.  As my target date creeps closer, I know my 20lb goal is not going to be realized.  I was almost ready to give up.  Almost. 

I've tried really hard to focus on my success this time.  I may not hit the 20lb weight loss goal, but I have steadily lost weight.  When I went out with the girls, I chose to order the grilled chicken burger (no mayo, no bun) with double salad instead of fries.  I ordered the diet soda rather than the alcoholic drink I used to order.  When I went out with my husband, I ordered the salmon with double veggies.  When I met my friend for coffee, I only ordered coffee.  In the past I would have just said "this once I'll have a treat" and then suffered the consequences on the scale the next day.  I think this shift in attitude is something to celebrate.  I know this is the shift I need to turn this weight loss journey into a marathon instead of a sprint. 

We leave for New York soon.  I'm down 29lbs as of this morning so I can't really complain about the progress I've made.  I know I'll be able to do more, see more, enjoy more.  I'm also prepared to make better choices when we go because I'm aware of the thrill of doing what's good for my body.  Best of all, I fit into most of those clothes I'd put into storage.  I can't wait to go clothes shopping in the big apple!

Moving forward

Last week:  276.4 lbs
This week:  272.4 lbs
total loss:  4 lbs

I was thinking a lot this week about how I approach weight loss.  This week was a great weight loss week for me and I was thrilled.  BUT...(and there always seems to be one) I keep worrying about when the bottom is going to fall out of the weight loss and I'll just get on the scale day after day and see no movement.  I still close my eyes each morning when I get on the scale.  I still think I'm not going to lose a pound, even when I'm doing the work to get me there. 

I've spent so much time looking back at my failures and letting myself become defined by those instances.  It seems so natural to remember the failures instead of the successes.  Why can't I just be proud of where I'm at today and what I'm doing to become a better person... TODAY. 

I think this time around, I've approached weight loss in the same way an alcoholic does a 12 step program.  I worry about today.  I look at what I can do today to succeed and I try not to get ahead of myself.  If I think of ALL the weight I want to lose, the 2 lb goal for the week looks - for lack of a better word - weak.

I know I need to start being my best cheerleader.  I need to move forward knowing I'm doing everything I can to be successful and take pride in who I am at any weight.  This is not a goal I can set out to achieve and then check off some list.  This is a challenge for me and it will be one that will follow me for life.

Getting back on the horse

Last week:  283.8
This week:  276.4
Loss this week:  7.4 lbs...

Last week was one of those "do over" weeks.  I went away to the mountains two weekends ago with my girl's group.  We spent the weekend eating and drinking and shopping and had a great time.... until I got home to my dreaded scale. 

I knew the totals were going to be bad.  I knew I had avoided looking at the points value of foods and I had alcohol each night, which is my Achilles heel.  But to gain all that weight over one weekend!!! 

On the Friday before I left, my weight was a glorious 276.4 lbs - which put me at an over  20 lb weight loss.  To come home on the Monday with a 7.4 lb weight gain was frustrating to say the least. 

But.... I got back to work.  I pulled out my Weight Watchers book and I refused to kick myself (too much) over my backslide and chose to just work the program.  In the first day, I'd lost 3 lbs of water weight.  The next day, another pound came off.  Even over the weekend while we had family over for my husband's birthday, a late Easter, and a very special family anniversary, I maintained my weight loss goals.  To step on the scale this morning and know I was back on track was satisfying! 

I don't know that I'll hit my goal of losing another 15 lbs before New York, but I'm aiming for at least another 10 lbs down before we go.  Once I'm done writing this, I'm going to go upstairs to my closet and pull out my "20 lbs down" box of clothing and I'm going to try things on!  I am also pulling out my "seasonal" clothing box to see if my tshirts, tank tops, and capris fit yet.  It will help me focus on what I need to do to get into them before my trip. 

So.... over 20 lbs down now!  It feels great to know I'm doing this with my health in mind and I'm already starting to focus on what my next goals might be after my NYC trip.  I'm starting to believe in me again. 

And the weight continues to drop...

Last week: 279.6 lbs
This week: 277.8 lbs
Loss this week: 1.8 lbs

My weight loss this week was just .2lbs off from what I'd set as my goal. I have to be happy with it though because its still a weight loss instead of a gain! I am that much closer to the goal of being down 20 lbs for New York City.

I'm waking up to my issues with my body and with food. I really noticed this week that I struggle with feeling food is the enemy. We went out to eat for our wedding anniversary on Friday night and I brought my Weight Watchers points book. I was upset when the meal I wanted (steak and side salad) would be 12 points. I had the points free and wasn't going over in any way, but I still panicked. My husband sat there in shock because I was making a healthy choice but still feeling guilty about it. We went for ice cream with the kids after and I had such a tough time. I still had enough points for a frozen yogurt but felt like I was cheating because I was eating something I enjoyed. When did enjoying food become a guilty sin? Again, something I need to explore a little more deeply, but maybe not today.

As my husband and I plan in more detail for our trip to New York City, we have started to discuss the things we want to do and see. The Statue of Liberty tour came up in our plans last night and I did a little research. You can actually climb up to lady liberty's crown. All 354 steps.

Yup, you guessed it, a new goal for me. If 6 flights of steps at the Empire State Building was a challenging goal, this one is even more of a challenge to work towards. I don't know if I'll be ready for it, but it gives me something to focus on!

I've been timing myself and doing 5 minutes of steps a day. I manage an average of 150 steps in that time and am gasping for breath at the end. I think I'm going to change it to timing how long it will take to do 355 steps and see if this is even a manageable goal. Here's to another week!

Motivation works!!

Last week: 283.4 lbs
This week: 279.6 lbs
Total loss this week: 3.8 lbs

I'm so happy with the weight I've lost this week! I pulled out my Weight Watchers points books and started to record my foods. Watching and counting my points is something I hate to do. It's something I have to work hard at doing and what a difference it's made!

One thing I'm learning is the need to incorporate my kids in the exercise I'm doing. This helps me with my goals and keeps them moving and active. We walked the big mall here in the city one day, and my one son that was feeling healthy this week walked with me to the bank while my husband and our sick son drove to meet us there. I've been motivated to do more each day that I have been in the past.

On those days where motivation has lagged, I remind myself of the big picture. My husband and I are such New York City junkies that this year for Christmas, I made a gallery wall in our living room with pictures my husband had taken on our trip. One is of the Empire State Building. When I'm feeling lazy and would rather snuggle under a blanket on the couch, my living room walls remind me of the goal I've made and what I need to do to get there.

Only 8 weeks left to get myself a little healthier, a little thinner, and a lot more ready to climb those Empire State Building steps!

Exercise challenge

Last week: 287.2
This week: 283.4

Ok, so last week was a bad week for me. I am trying to come to terms with my emotional eating and realize there's still a lot of work I need to do in this area. When I am upset or stressed, I turn to food. I know I need to find healthier outlets for my emotions, but fear holds me back. I'm always so conscious of how other people will react to me exercising.

I've been laughed at and ridiculed so many times in the past that I can't even exercise in front of my husband. He is the most supportive man in the world, yet I can't seem to lose the fear of being put down. Obviously there's still a lot I need to work on.

My husband and I booked our trip to New York City last week, and this has given me a fresh goal to work towards. My goal is to lose 20 lbs in the next 9 weeks. I want to feel a little less mortified on the plane ride there and back. I want to climb those steps at the Empire State Building without dying. I want to be able to spend the day sightseeing without feeling like I've got a lead weight tied to my butt. Most of all, I want to shop at the biggest Macy's store ever and be able to find clothes that fit. To lose 20 lbs will get me close to the weight I was when we went to NYC 2 years ago.

I lost most of the weight I gained last week, weighing in at 283.4 lbs at the beginning of the week. I've been going through the battle of the hormones this week, so even though I'd hoped for more weight loss, I'm happy with what I've got.

My focus this week has been on exercise. I've been doing timed intervals on my stepper (2-5 minutes at a time) and finally got on my treadmill again yesterday. I did 20 minutes to start off and I'm hoping to increase both time and intensity as the weeks go by. I find it challenging to do full workouts with my kids around so I notice I do little spurts in the hopes it will all add up to a big amount of calories burned in the end. New York City is sure the incentive I needed to push forward!

Empire state building sized shame

My husband and I were in New York city in 2008. At this point I weighed 250lbs, I'd been going to the gym, was doing one of those weight loss programs where I had to go for weigh in's 3 times a week, and was starting to feel better about myself.

On our trip to NYC, we wanted to take in as many of the sites as possible. The Statue of Liberty, World Trade center site, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, Yankee Stadium, Broadway, Macy's (ok, that was only me), Grand Central Station, and of course the Empire State Building.

What they don't tell you about the Empire State Building is that it's NOTHING like in the movies. If you've ever watched Sleepless in Seattle and see Jonah walking around looking for Annie, its a farce. They stuff the people into those elevators and rush them up and back down again like a herd of cattle. Bodies are pressed so tightly together that I felt like the pimento in the olive. The heat is stifling and the smell of sweat and mixed perfumes is enough to make your stomach roll.

You have a choice when going up to the observation decks. The first set of elevators stop at deck 80. If you want to catch another set of elevators, you get to wait for the next 30 minutes for the next ones to be free. OR, you can climb up to the observation deck. We chose to climb along with about 100 other people. Up 6 floors. In August.

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I figured since there were so many of us, the pace would be one I could keep up with. Families were in front of us with little kids; surely I could keep up?

Flight 1 was ok. Flight 2 left me short of breath. Flight 3 was where I started to feel the burn. Flight 4 left me thinking I was going to die. I had to pull over to the side of the stairwell and let all these people pass me. I had to keep my head down out of sheer embarrassment and couldn't believe I was so out of shape that I couldn't keep up with young kids!

It put such a damper on an experience I was so excited about. When we got to the top, I was red faced, hot and cranky might be putting it mildly. I was humiliated and couldn't get my mind off my perceived failure.

When will the day come when I quit letting myself down?

So this post is going to mark a new chapter in my empire state sized body. In 10 weeks, my husband and I are planning a second trip to New York city. I have 10 weeks to get myself in "training" for round 2. My goal is to make it up those flights without stopping. My goal is to get up there and push my way proudly through the throngs of people instead of hanging back trying to figure out if oxygen would ever enter my lungs normally again.

Now, I've set timelines and made lists of things for myself for years now. Never have I set a fitness goal. I think that's laughable considering the amount of goals I've worked towards. My last post talked about my lack of motivation, but I think booking this trip is the kick in the butt I needed to get started again. Eating right, getting back on my treadmill and doing my wii workouts as well as my stepper... that's a recipe for an empire state sized success.

A crappy week.

This would be a perfect indication of me eating my feelings.

I went from 282.0 to 287.2 in less than a week. 5.2 stinking pounds!!! I am trying so hard to not kick myself, to remember this is a process and being tough on myself will only make me stress eat even more.

My mom went in for surgery on Thursday for colon cancer. I've been eating hospital food and eating out over most of the weekend, and the scales show it. Top that off with a club meeting followed by wings and beer and a girls night in with snacks galore and it was a recipe for weight loss disaster.

Today I realized I'd have to get back on the horse so to speak, but still can't seem to find my motivation. This is such a roller coaster for me and it seems my mood for the day is dictated by the number on the scale. At the same time, if I don't weigh myself daily I let things slide all week and stress the day before my weigh in day.

Balance. When will I find the elusive balance I so badly need to be successful in this journey? When will it become easier for me to say no to foods I know aren't helping me reach my goals. When will the "click" stay clicked?

I am addicted to food, of that there's no doubt. I can't give up food the way an alcoholic gives up the drink, but I also know that sugared foods should have a skull and crossbones symbol across them. I know those things I shouldn't eat; I know nutrition well enough to know my sins. Why can't I just stay away?

A good week!

Last week was one of those better weeks for me. I'd hit a bit of a weight loss barrier in February, and I feel like I'm finally kicking it back into gear for March.

I have been focusing on making exchanges. If I'm going to go out for lunch with a friend, I eat only an apple at breakfast. If I know supper is going to be a bigger one or eating out, I try to plan ahead. I know this is common sense to thinner people, but this is something huge for me to wrap my head around!

This weekend was the first one this year where I didn't experience weight gain! GO ME! I have always noticed at least 2 lbs of weight gain over the weekends because we're more sociable and we also don't spend a lot of time at home. I was thrilled to get on the scale this morning and see I weighed the same as Friday morning!

I've also been able to exercise a little bit more this week. I bought The Biggest Loser workout DVD for the wii and used that as well as the wii fit plus. With the weather finally warming up, we've also been walking outside for about an hour a day.

It feels great to be in control of my body this week! I have enjoyed the feeling of knowing I'm doing things to create a better body image for myself!

Eating it up

Ok, so this is my first blog and apparently I'm ready to just jump right in! I'm 37 years old and have known fatness my whole life. I was the first one in the 4th grade to hit 100lbs and weighed over 200 lbs at 16.

Being obese is a daily challenge. I have been at war with food for most of my existence and don't yet know how to balance things out well. I've tried all the diet plans out there. I do NOT look in full length mirrors and will not let pictures get taken of me below the waist. I know I eat my feelings and no amount of therapy or self reflection has changed that.

In 1999 I had my stomach stapled (VBG). My starting weight was 284lbs. I lost 100 lbs and was finally out of the 200's. I was so proud and felt good about myself. I felt normal and like I fit in. Men started to open doors for me for the first time in my life. I got looks as I walked down halls; not because I was the thinnest girl but because I felt fantastic and it showed! I got asked out on dates and started going to the gym because I didn't feel like everyone there would laugh at me.

Then I met my husband and the weight started to creep, creep, creep back up. Life got in the way. Shit happens. We've moved 4 times in as many years, had a career change each, faced infertility, the death of his mom, and adoption of our twin boys that are now 3. I apparently had a lot of feelings to eat! I topped the scales this January at 296.8 lbs... the highest weight I've ever been in my life. I hadn't made me a priority.

This year, I vowed it would all be different. I decided I need to make this right for ME. My stomach has now stretched back to a normal person's stomach size so all gloves are off! I am aiming for 1-2 lbs per week instead of being upset when I haven't lost double digits each week. I am aiming to drink my water, eat more whole foods, and make exercise fun. It is time to start putting me first. I need to do this.

Why the blog? To be held accountable. To be understood and to vent on those days when the scale is not my friend. To fight the good fight with people that will hopefully cheer me on and push me to continue moving forward no matter what! To make myself vulnerable in a way that will minimize the risk of ridicule and hurt.

That being said, I hope to write weekly. I hope my own struggles might be a balm for someone else that might be going through this same torturous process!